You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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