Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Randomize
