Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
