once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
