there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize