I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
