smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Randomize
