sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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