No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
