jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
