Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
