Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I need to align my fucking chakras
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
