Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
