we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
