yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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