Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
