You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize