clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
