did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
