Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
i used baking grease as lip gloss
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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