Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
