The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
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