yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
