I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
