Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Randomize
