Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
These 19 Guys Hit The Cougar Jackpot
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
35 Disappointing People Who Failed At Sexting
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night