i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
