I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
