his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
