Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
