You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
How external is "for external use only"?
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
