the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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