Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Randomize
