accomplished twins. life is a go
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
