It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
