DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
you didnt know i had herpes?
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
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