Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
