Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
