So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Randomize