My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
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