Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
