literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
is wine microwaveable?
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
