I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
zippers are such a cool invention
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Randomize
