Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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