omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
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