Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
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It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
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Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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