I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I puked a lego.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Randomize
