Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
