I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Randomize
