apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
You are a booty call, not a friend.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
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