We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
