I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
