I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
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she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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