Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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