I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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